There Are Five Types of Relationships. Choose Yours

Womenscorner Desk
September 28, 2020

In our desire to know , manage, or untangle our relationships, we are constantly trying to look at them through different lenses, struggling to attach the dots: Is it about me or about him? Has the strain over the last few weeks been just a blip thanks to stress or the tip of the iceberg of some bigger problems? If I do x, will she do y, or if I stop x, will he stop y?

But so as to really add up of the state of the union, it’s often helpful to step back so as to ascertain the broader landscape. Here are five of the foremost common types of relationships: four bad, one good.

Competitive/Controlling : There’s a jockeying for power about whose way is best , who wins the argument, whose expectations and standards can we follow, whose career is more important. There are tons of arguments that quickly become power struggles, battles over getting the last word.

Dynamics: Two strong personalities battling for control; self-esteem supported winning, being in charge; often there are rigid ideas regarding how best to do things, about criteria for fulfillment , for what makes an honest life.

Long term: These couples get uninterested in battling and divorce, or one finally concedes, or they both finally define their own turfs that they're responsible of.

Active/Passive : One partner is actually responsible and does most of the work within the relationship while the opposite goes along. While a number of these start out as competitive relationships with one conceding, more often this imbalance has been there from the beginning . There are few arguments, though occasionally the active person will become resentful for carrying the load or not getting enough appreciation. They explode or act out, on the other hand feel bad and return to an equivalent role.

Dynamics: These relationships often start with the active partner taking over a helper role. Their personalities are guided by being nice, making others happy, being over-responsible, conflict-avoidant. As children, they were the great child. The more passive partner could also be easily overwhelmed with anxiety, feels entitled or overwhelmed as an adult, and leans on others.

But sometimes these dynamics are less the results of personalities and more that of undetected or unrealized problems, like psychological state issues, where the active partner is usually feeling the necessity to catch up on the opposite . Or when physical problems suddenly arise, like a partner developing a chronic illness or physical trauma, forcing the opposite partner to intensify and be a caretaker.

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Long term: the danger for the active partner is that she is going to get burned out or resentful and leave. The partner left behind either must become more independent or find somebody else to require over.

Aggressive/Accommodating : Here the facility difference isn't supported caretaking, but on raw power. One partner is clearly responsible , and therefore the other accommodates less out of passivity and more out of fear. While the intimidating partner will easily magnify , there's little real conflict. there's emotional abuse and sometimes physical abuse.

Dynamics: The intimidating partner is clearly a bully who has anger-management issues. He or she may have grown up during a home with an abusive parent and learned to identify there upon parent. Underneath could also be high anxiety that translates into extreme control, or just a personality disorder that translates into narcissism, power, and little empathy for others.

The accommodating partner may have grown up being abused and have a better tolerance for such behavior. Intermittent behavior the other person sporadically being nice keeps the partner off-balance and fuels magical thinking: If I just find out the proper steps within the dance, I can keep the opposite from exploding. Unfortunately, they can never find out the steps.

Long term: Either the connection continues, or the accommodating partner finally gets the courage to go away . The aggressive partner will do what's necessary to undertake to pull the opposite back to the connection . If that doesn’t work, the abusive partner will likely find somebody else to exchange the opposite .

Disconnected/Parallel Lives : There is little arguing, but also little connection. they are going on autopilot, with both having their own routines. the connection seems stale, they need little in common; they're more roommates than lovers.

Dynamics: Some couples fall under this sort of relationship within several years. it's going to be that they married for the incorrect reasons, what chemistry was there quickly faded, or they swept problems under the rug from the beginning and learned to use distance to avoid igniting any conflict. Others may enter this sort of relationship with the mellowing that always comes with aging, and still others become child-centered, and once the youngsters have left home, have little to carry them together. The weather, jobs, and updates on children become their default topics of conversation.

Long term: Midlife or older-age crises may cause one or both to feel that point is running out. this might precipitate arguing and efforts to either finally revitalize the relationship or leave. Or, they continue saying to themselves that this is often ok , or that they are too old to vary .

Accepting/Balanced : The couple is in a position to figure together as a team, complementing one another . They each recognize and actively accept the other’s strengths. they have each other’s back, both have an interest in helping the opposite be who he or she wants to be. they're ready to revitalize the connection when it begins to grow stale; they're ready to solve problems instead of sweeping them under the rug.

Dynamics: they'll start out this manner , or they'll have started with any of the opposite forms, but through therapy or insight and resolve have worked to form things better.

Long term: Midlife and older-age crises may arise, but they're ready to run through them.

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